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I want Jason to be my best friend always. But I want more than friendship. I want sex with him too. I love him. But I'm not sure marriage is what I really want. I want him in the country. But starting a family together? I still want to kill myself. I still want to just leave everything on this planet.

Cedric and I used to talk about going together. He left without me. He's the one who got away. I'm stuck.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.


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There's nothing that says you have to get married immediately. He can get a visa and find a job and work here and you guys can give it a real go. You don't need to jump into anything.

And kids are a HUGE deal. You need to talk to him about it and make sure you guys are on the same page. Look, I'm 35 and I STILL don't know if I want them.

ugh I think I just wrote this last night when I was tired and depressed and didn't mean it. I do want to marry him for sure. My only doubts about that are , well never mind I can't really think of any. I believe in us. We always sort of rushed everything and it always worked out well. And I don't think that's a good enough excuse, but he's nearing 40, and I don't want to make him wait. And I don't want to be apart anymore. We looked into the whole visa thing and it isn't really an option for him. He wouldn't be able to get a company to sponsor him because he doesn't have any extraordinary skills or education. It's either do it now, or go ~8 months apart and then get hitched. And I cannot, cannot, cannot go ~8 months without him.

I think I do want kids, but not for like 10 years... and then he'd be nearing 50. He wanted them before he was 40. And this is where the age thing messes us up big time. Because I'm not ready for kids yet, and he's been ready mentally, but financially - fuck no. But if we wait... he'll just be so old as a father. And neither of us want that. I don't want to risk the chance of raising any kids on my own. He'd then be nearing 60 by the time they're 10, and 70 by the time they're 20!

So yeah I could be like let's break up so you can have kids with someone else, but by the time he met someone else and all that, he'd prob still be in the same boat. He certainly can't afford kids. He's still paying off his loan... like sure he could get some broad pregnant, but it wouldn't really be right.

I want to have kids when I'm ready mentally and financially. And I would so much prefer to adopt. Jason, like every other guy on the planet it seems, wants his own kids. Must be some guy thing to have to pass on their own DNA. fuck I've had enough issues with my DNA, I'd be the devil to make my own kids.

I've also talked to Jason about not wanting kids. I basically asked him if he would leave me if I decided I didn't want them. Like I still wasn't sure, but it was bothering me that I might be screwing him over with that. He said he wouldn't leave me, that we were soul mates, and I was more important. I think he was still bummed about it and kind of threw it into conversations randomly, like ".... but you don't want kids anyway..." and I just kind of ignored it. But that wasn't really what I was saying. Just want him to know there's a strong possibility I won't want them. But I'm not certain. It's just I hate life, the world is overpopulated, having kids doesn't make any sense. But yeah, I'd like the experience.

Anyway, but since he said that and since he doesn't really have anything else great to ditch me for, I figure we just see what happens. Maybe in 5 years I'll change my mind. Maybe he'll change his mind about adopting. Maybe we'll both agree to not have kids.

But I'll say this. WE ARE NOT FUCKING HAVING ANY BABIES UNTIL BOTH OF OUR LOANS ARE PAID OFF AND WE HAVE A SAVINGS ACCOUNT. so he can rush me and joke about it as much as he wants, but he fucked up with blowing his money on drugs, and that's his problem, not mine, and not a future baby's.

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